♈ Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): You’re cooking like it’s a competitive cooking show — flames too high, music blasting, zero measuring. It’ll taste good, but we will absolutely fear for our eyebrows in the process. Edible? Yes. Peaceful? Never.
♉ Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Your dinner is chef’s kiss — candles lit, real plates, napkins folded like a five-star restaurant. We’ll survive AND ask for seconds… but don’t you dare touch the leftovers without permission.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): You start 3 dishes at once and finish… maybe 1½ of them. It’s chaotic, it’s confusing, but somehow we’re low-key impressed? You’re serving “unhinged tapas night.”
♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): Your meal feels like a hug and tastes like a childhood memory — even if you're not sure how you made it. We’ll survive, but also leave with unsolicited emotional support and a to-go container labeled “just in case.”
♌ Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): You’re plating like you’re auditioning for MasterChef. Will we survive? Yes — but only after a 7-minute speech about how much love and talent you put into it. It’s giving “edible performance art.”
♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Everything is perfectly seasoned, chopped evenly, labeled, and portioned. We will survive — THRIVE, even — but we will also get a PowerPoint on how to load the dishwasher correctly after.
♎ Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): You spent more time making the table aesthetic than actually cooking the food. Dinner looks gorgeous… tastes like ✨vibes✨. We’ll survive because Postmates is already on the way.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Your food is shockingly good… but no one knows what’s in it and you refuse to tell. We’ll survive, but we’ll question if we were just fed a love potion or a curse.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): You’re making something you saw on TikTok at 2AM and winging the recipe with zero fear. It might slap or it might send us to urgent care — either way, it’ll be a story.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): Your dinner is well-executed, nutritious, and on time — obviously. We’ll survive and learn a life lesson, because you treat cooking like a leadership seminar.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): You’re experimenting like a mad scientist — vegan, gluten-free, infused with something “for the experience.” We’ll survive, but only if we Google half the ingredients first.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): You cook based on “vibes” and intuition — no recipe, just feelings. Dinner is delicious, emotional, and may or may not make us cry. Survive? Yes. Cope emotionally after? TBD.